snarky movie review of the moment

(i wrote this as a joke to friends of mine who saw it as part of the
movie club i'm in [complete with "serious" reviews sent out afterward]
... the wanted to save it for posterity for unknown reasons.)

THE NEW YEAR is the latest from the warped philadelphia mind of tom
quinn. people who tell you that too many steaksandwiches won't *really*
hurt you need to see quinn "don't call me 'the eskimo!'" at work as he
reminds us the five keys to modern life:

1. divorce is bad.
2. teenage sex is no fun. especially when your girlfriend won't put
out.
3. old men wearing body hose are mildly sexy.
4. philly Sucks.
5. if you act as though there are no italians, there aren't any.

figuring he's done enough work surrounding the mummer's parade, quinn
decides it's not necessary to show it at the end. it leaves the film
feeling like a raymond carver story -- except without the writing.

moviemaker magazine lists quinn on their "10 young writer-directors to
watch" list. this flick puts him solidly on my "10 people who get
watched the most if they're near my mailbox and it happens to be full"
list.

no tits. no ass. some beer. 2 *'s out of 5 possible.