So What Else *Is* on?

Sir,

 

I know you have a burning interest in what's on In. TV, so I took an hour to crawl the stations ... I did this back in G., and this is, very much, a present solely and exclusively for you.

 

My TV gets 50 channels and appears to be some dish network.  When I change to a station, I get not only the number of the station involved, but also the "signal strength" of the picture I'm looking at.

 

Following are channels and their description:

 

2 InterContinental Hotels Propaganda Station

Dumb, like hotel stations always are (ask Karpov sometime about "Branded!  It'll blow you away!").  Has the laughable tagline, "We encourage everyone to share their local knowledge with you."  At this hotel that means just referring to the outside world as, "beyond the gate," in the same way you'd say, "it's in the septic tank."

 

4 Euro CNN

 

5 Hindu Zee TV

Static is on here right now, which I take to be a "sign."

 

6 CNBC India

 

7 Star

Currently a H. news program about a "Muslim Uprising" in Pakistan.

 

8 Om TV

News that Go Air is now out of business.

 

9 NDTV

A CNN competitor.

 

10 Hindu NDTV

Same programming, different voice overs.

 

11 Sports

British English emphasis.

 

12 Star Sports

English language.  Competitor to channel 11.

 

13 ESPN

 

14 Ten/Sports

English language.

 

15 Z Cafe

Bad American sitcom on here right now.

 

16 H. Soaps

 

17 H. Soaps

 

18 Some H.station

I watch for about 10 minutes and only see commercials.  One for Wrigley's Card X Gum, one for mosquito prevention, two for how to handle chickens, a great Nike commercial for cricket.

 

19 Star Plus

H. Videos.

 

20 Star World

Bad American sitcoms.

 

21 National

H. news, but no sound for the station.

 

22 American Movies

 

23 H. Movies

 

24 Dubbed H. Movies

 

25 Deepak Ghatak

As awful as you'd expect.

 

26 Star Movies

Currently playing an American film -- Volcano, I think.

 

27 American News

 

28 HBO

American movies dubbed in H.

 

21 B4U Music

H MTV.

 

30 H. MTV

And we're celebrating, that's right, Holi Shamaal.

 

31 V

H. Videos.

 

32 National Geographic

In H.  The screen occasionally runs the sub-message, "This program available in H. only."

 

33 Discovery

This is the one that you know.

 

34 Travel Living

English language station for the very very high end budget.

 

35 Zone Reality

A commercials-only station for real estate.

 

36 Cartoon Network

Currently running, that's right, H. Sesame St.

 

37 Pogo

Currently showing Postman Pat in H.

 

38 Disney Playhouse

In H.

 

39 Nickelodean

This is the same as the one you know.

 

40 FTV.com

Videos in English.  Currently showing women boxing in underwear.  What's not to like?

 

41 ZTrendz

Videos in English.

 

42 PTR

This is a Russian language news station, I think.

 

44 TV5 Monde

French TV.  Bad game shows right now.

 

45 RAI Int.

Italian TV.  Right now it has an Italian Mitch Miller on.  (We also had a power outage right here.)

 

46 W-TV

German TV.

 

47 Tve Great

Castillian Spanish TV.  Lots o' lisping.

 

48 ZHindi

H. Soaps.

 

49

This is an odd channel ... it appears to be displaying some kind of master control for the network and lists the following weirdness

139 PAL English

140 Syria TV

141 Yemen TV

142 Abu Dhabi

143 Oman TV

144 Saudi TV

145 Qatar TV

146 Sudan TV

147 Sharjah TV

148 Libiya TV

The final entry is highlighted -- I think what they did was go to a menu of possible things to display and choose Libiya TV without hitting OK.  Something weird like that.  It's too bad.  I'd like to see Libiya TV.  Momar!  My man!

 

50 WorldSpace

Bad bad H. music.  No video.

 

51 WorldSpace

If you thought American Muzak was bad, you should hear this crap.

 

 

The World Health Organization is leaning very hard on the Ins. here to handle chickens properly -- this is part of a worldwide effort to ward off avian flu.  There are at least 10 different heavy-rotation commercials that feature a handsome In. guy and a puppet that looks suspiciously like the Kellogg's mascot.  They wander around, the chicken cracks jokes and the guy explains that you should wash your hands after handling chickens, never handle chickens with your bare hands, don't let them roam around on the planet at large, don't leave their guano around, etc.  It's dealt at absolutely the lowest possible common denominator and I find them remarkably effective. 

 

As I shouldn't have to tell you, but you don't know, the Cricket World Cup is starting.  Nike has a spectacular commercial where there's some gigantic traffic jam in some In. hell hole (I suspect it's either Mumbai or Kolkatta) and the itching In. men jump out and decide to play cricket on top of the traffic jam.  It includes nothing less than shattering glass, men getting hit in the testicles, elephants retrieving balls and a great still motion leap.  The commercial is "big enough" that it's news in itself.

 

The vast majority of the commercials here are for four things:

Motorola cell phones

Seiko Kinetic watches ("It's not your neighborhood that defines who you are, it's your watch.")

Social networking Internet sites (three or four of these)

Job Internet sites (three or four of these)

 

Metallica, Shakira and Roger Waters are all running ads for concerts that are going to be happening in In. within the next month.

 

Pax,

b1