October 14, 2006

3-d film fest review

(this was an email i sent to solid goldstein -- wanted to save it, especially since i typed the damn thing with my thumbs.)

space hunter

mad max meets star wars as a pidgen english speaking molly ringwald looks on (occasionally rolling in water). rolling cage motorcycles, pirate trains, powered hang gliders and ridiculously delicate space ships. should have been called, pretty in dirt -or- the quest for rusting metal -or- dust world.

it's not inconceivable that this is the best movie i've ever seen, just as it's not inconceivable that marilyn monroe shot jfk.

3-d high point: bitchin' spinner chicks in skin tight gold lamé space suits take off elaborate helmets and immediately throw them away to start, that's right, bitchin'.

jaws 3-d

brodie's kids get attacked by shark(s) at sea world. (goddamn sea world -- we're clearly safe NO WHERE any more.) chicks in bikinis, chicks in bikinis in pyramids on water skis, meanacing sharks, menacing shark teeth, meanacing heads of dismembered groupers from shark teeth, menacing wounds in the sides of stupid workers, repeatedly malfunctioning sea gates (goddamn malfunctioning sea gates - goddamn sea world - we're not safe ANYWHERE any more), menacing sharks chasing chicks in bikinis, arrogant brits with grenades for menacing sharks, hunky dudes directing chicks in bikinis to get out of the water, and a human ant farm for people underwater.

since you'll never see it (especially in 3-d) i'll spoil the ending for you: shark 'plodes and the jaws fly at you.

would've been the best film i'd ever seen in my life except for the part 20 minutes in where the movie stopped and burned in the projector. no, on second thought, that's why i liked it.

3-d high point: menacing shark decides an ant farm is a crappy gift because you have to send away for the ants and attacks the control tower to chomp on a steppen fetchit-cast lou gosset. no, on second thought it has to be a dismembered arm floating in the water, bone side toward you -- it's an upper arm, but they show 2 bones and no veins. cool.

friday the 13th part 3 in 3d

man, i am one messed up, but incredibly cute and stacked chick. i've had a terrible experience 2 years ago where i was at this bitchin' shack, but some maniac in a ski mask slaughtered a bunch of my friends. so rude.

but that was the 70's (technically, because decades end in 0) and now it's the 80's and even though i still drive a make-out van with stripes and one of my guy friends has a perm, it's probably a good idea to wear some tight clothes, get a bunch of my pals and some stoner hippie oldies that i won't ever explain who-the-hell-they-are or why-the-hell-they're here and head back to the shack. no, it's not really for old times' sake. no, it's not really to prove i'm "well." no, it's not so i can prick tease the boyfriend i never see but constantly bitch to. i'm not sure why, 'kay? as long as we dodge the desegrated motorcycle gang featuring tina turner that syphons gas, but never uses it. we'll be

oh great. my fat and downtrodden pal with the perm is acting like a jackass being faking being dead. i hope he gets his throat slit for reals off-screen while he's wearing that wetsuit for reasons we're never
told. as long as people don't throw chains through my buds' lovebug windshield. we'll be fine.

lessee there's a hammock for having sex, but we'll never show anything. and there's a shower for showing the only nipple of the movie. and there's an onimous pond (of course) that we'll hang around in for no
obvious reason.

okay, we're there. now we're having a great time. now we're being tormented by the gang. no we're not. maybe they're dead already? now we'll split up mostly for sexual reasons. now people are dying. i am so sure. it's no wonder i don't put out.

that's it, i'm going home. oh wait, i can't because the desegrated gang syphoned my make-out van but never used the gas. and cripes, jason is after me. lessee, hit him over the head with a cord of wood, stab him in the leg with a knife (you're not supposed look at the string when he throws it back! i'm so sure.), hang him by a rope from a barn. he's dead. that was tough.

oh wait, he's alive again -- okay now i'll hatchet him in the head. he's dead. wait. i think i see him in the windows. i'll take a really nice canoe out on the menacing pond to get away (when the camera pans by the bow, you can all go, "oooooooooh"). this would be a good plan except for that damn menacing woman with worms on her face grabbing me. as if. i mean, it's not we even had any *warning* about her. i cackle like a maniac as the cops haul me off. the end.

3-d high point: so many it's hard to have a favorite ... either jason shooting an unbelievably cute, but possibly mixed-race, chick in the eye with a speargun, or maybe watching popcorn being popped in a pan uncovered and from above. the big question, though, am i REALLY that willing and eager to cast aside the only nipple of the film -- even if it was from the side and not as "3-d'd" as i'd like? it's a quandry to be sure.

would be the best film i've ever seen except they never indicated what day it was in the film. and even though, technically saw it on the 14th, i sat down in the theatre on friday the 13th. goddammit. goddamn sea world.

3-d film fest moral that is absolutely true: if you're a chick and wear one of those pat benatar braided headbands you're gonna end up dead within 90 minutes of when i first see you. you may think it's a good idea because it looks so rad but it's a bad bad idea. don't do it.

easily the best $10 i've ever spent, if you exclude the first time i got tested for h.i.v.

i have no plans to see the others in this fest (humbling moment last night -- the announcer says, "none of you have ever seen comin' at ya in 3-d, you've only seen the trailer -- and i have, in fact, seen the film). i mean, come on, how am i going to do better than this perfect storm? they are, however, having a breakdancing triple feature next month (the midnite film is some vanilla ice vehicle that was "single handedly responsible for killing breakdancing films"). i'll go if i'm not in cuba or hawai'i. ice, ice, baby. i'll bet some of those are going to be the best films i've ever seen.

goddamn sea world. we really are not safe anywhere.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

what I said before -- but cube it.

Sunday, October 15, 2006 9:53:00 AM  

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